The Bitter Taste
by Soncnica
Summary: That bitter taste that crawls in your mouth when you loose everything. Just everything that ever mattered. The salty tears, the elusive breath you can't seem to catch... My take on 3x16.


**I was just so fed up with studying that I had to write something…and this is what comes out when I over-study and watch 3x16 way to many times. **

**Warning: it contains SPOILERS for almost every episode!! **

**And I own nothing (not the boys, not the quotes) but a massive headache and way too much info about totalitarianisms. **

**And I do apologize about the mistakes…I hope you'll be able to concentrate on the story and that the mistakes won't bother you. **

**Enjoy…**

**--**

Sam was moving closer to his brother, slowly as not to tumble and fall. His heart was in his throat pounding away seconds, reminding him just how much time had passed from his brothers _death_. He saw Dean lying on the hard, cold floor. The sliced shirt, the torn jeans…

-:-

"_You can pretend all you want, Sammy. But sooner or later you're gonna have to face up to who you really are."  
_

_"And who's that?"  
_

_"One of us."  
_

_"No, I'm not like you. This is not going to be my life."  
_

_"Well, you have a responsibility."_

-:-

The shirt, what was left of it, was soaking up the rest of the blood Dean still possessed. The rest of it was slowly making a puddle on the floor. His own blood almost burned with the rate his heart was pumping it in his veins. His jeans torn apart…

-:-

"_Our family's not cursed. We just have our... dark spots."  
_

_"Our dark spots are pretty dark."  
_

_"You're... dark." _

-:-

Even before he could crouch beside his brother, the tears welled up in his eyes. That sting behind your eyelids, that hitch in your breath, that choke in your throat...and the salty water came spilling over. Out of his eyes…trying to control it but the sight of his brother…tears, wet, salty…hot and stinging. His heart…it burned in his chest, trying to leap out and run away.

-:-

"_Well, let me look at you, uf, you boys grew up handsome."  
_

_"And you were one goofy-lookin' kid, too."  
_

-:-

He remembered a child 'goofy looking' as Missouri so eloquently put it. All those times in the back seat of the Impala, admiring his big brother, joking with him, being safe, warm and tucked into Deans arms, when everything went wrong…

-:-

"_Well I'm a freak, too. I'm right there with you, all the way." _

"_Yeah I know you are."_

-:-

Freaks, that's what they were. Who on this wide green-blue planet is mauled by Hellhounds because he sold his soul to save his brother? Only them…only Dean.

-:-

_"How could you make that deal, Dean?"  
_

_"'Cause I couldn't live with you dead. Couldn't do it."_

-:-

Lips slightly parted in need to draw in breath he will never receive. Eyes locked on the ceiling, open green plains that always shone out so much. Care, love, protectiveness, safety.

-:-

"_I'm going to say this one time, you make a move on him you'll be dead before you hit the ground, you understand me?! Well, do I make myself clear?"_

-:-

Just safety and reassurance. And now…they were dead looking and hazy. No more…Dean.

-:-

"_Yeah maybe. Aren't you worried, man, aren't you worried that I could turn into Max or something?"  
_

_"Nope. No way. You know why?"  
_

_"No. Why?"  
_

_"Cause you've got one advantage that Max didn't have."  
_

_"Dad? Because Dad's not here, Dean."  
_

_"No. Me."  
_

_"As long as I'm around, nothing bad is gonna happen to you."_

-:-

Blood everywhere on his brother, on the floor…still warm…flesh torn…claws that revealed his brother…everything…his insides…just there.

-:-

"_You said you're a big brother?"  
_

_"Yeah."  
_

_"You'd take care of your little brother? You'd do anything for him?"  
_

_"Yeah, I would."_

-:-

He heard that…those words spoken…the words that were not meant for him to hear, but… And he knew he would do anything for his big brother too. And it stung and it crawled into his chest…the pain of failing.

-:-

"_You're not gonna let me die in peace, are you?"  
_

_"I'm not gonna let you die. Period."_

-:-

He didn't fail then, but he definitely failed now. Failed so much, he couldn't even comprehend it. Not now, when his brother, _his brother_ was lying in front of him…ripped apart.

-:-

"_I've been doin' some thinkin'. And... the thing is... I don't want to die. I don't want to go to Hell."  
_

_"Yeah. We'll... find a way to save you."  
_

_"Okay, good..."_

-:-

Idiot, failure, disappointment. Jerk.

-:-

"_Bitch."_

"_Jerk." _

-:-

He couldn't save Dean. Willing and hoping doesn't help…it does nothing…it changes nothing. He didn't do enough research, he was lazy and sloppy and now…Dean's not breathing anymore.

His eyes stung, he choked on the air in the room, everything was still…

-:-

"_Killing that guy, killing Meg, I didn't hesitate, I didn't even fletch. For you and Dad, the things I wanted to do or kill it's just, huh. It scares me sometimes." _

-:-

He would…Dean would do anything and it scared him that he wasn't able to do this one little thing. Save Dean…save him from this.

Two deep breaths that filled his lunges.

-:-

"_Sam. You were right. You gotta do your own thing. You gotta live your own life."  
_

_"Are you serious?"  
_

_"You've always known what you want. And you go after it. You stand up to Dad. And you always have. Hell, I wish I... anyway... I admire that about you. I'm proud of you, _

_Sammy."_

-:-

Proud. Don't be proud, I screwed up. Failed you.

He bit his lower lip to try and stop the quiver of it. It didn't work. The tears were there, the taste of salt invading his mouth…tears, free and wet and stinging.

-:-

"_Yes, that, but it's more than that, man. You and me and Dad, I mean, I want us... I want us to be together again. I want us to be a family again."  
_

_"Dean, we are a family. I'd do anything for you. But things will never be the way they were before."_

-:-

I would...I would do anything for you. Anything. Just…come back. We're family.

Flashes and flashes of memories, words and images were splitting his step with the weight of it all.

It seemed ages before he crouched next to his brother, _his brother_ and snuck his hand behind his brothers, _his brothers_ head and pulled it up. Slowly and surly feeling Dean's skin he watched him grow into. The soft hair on the back of his neck felt ticklish beneath his fingertips…there was something wet there too. Ignoring, ignoring…_my brothers blood_.

"No…" he couldn't stop his voice to be gentle and soft. He wanted to scream until his lungs burned and until his throat went raw, but he couldn't.

"No…" breathless. Barely there…not understanding why.

-:-

"_Dude, drop the attitude, Dean. Quit turning everything into a punch line. And you know something else? Stop trying to act like you're not afraid."_

"_I'm not!"  
_

_"You're lying. You may as well drop it 'cause I can see right through you."  
_

_"You got no idea what you're talking about." _

"_Yeah, I do. You're scared, Dean. You're scared because your year is running out, and you're still going to Hell, and you're freaked." _

"_And how do you know that?"  
_

_"Because I know you!"_

"_Really?"_

"_Yeah, I've been following you around my entire life! I mean, I've been looking up to you since I was four, Dean. Studying you, trying to be just like my big brother. So yeah, I know you. Better than anyone else in the entire world. And this is exactly how you act when you're terrified. And, I mean, I can't blame you. It's just..."  
_

_"What?" _

"_I wish you would drop the show and be my brother again. 'Cause... just 'cause." _

-:-

"Dean." choked on his own tears, streaming down his face, around his nose, lips and into his mouth. Falling down on the floor, mixing with the blood there, falling on his brother, _his brother_. He lowered his head, his hair in his eyes, loosing themselves in his tears.

-:-

_"What's with the auto shop? You don't mean you want..."_

"_Yeah, I do. You fix it."_

"_Dean, you barely let me drive this thing."_

"_Well, it's time. You should know how to fix it. You're gonna need to know these things for the future. And besides, that's my job, right? Show my little brother the ropes?"_

-:-

He tried to breathe, God he really did…he sniffled. Sobbed a little…it just hurt…just hurt!! The pain spread alongside his spine, crept up into his brain, down his legs, into his chest, constricting it into tightness he never knew was possible. He felt sick…his stomach was doing flip-flops and almost landed on his tongue, but he swallowed it down.

Dean would tease him…quit being such a girl, Sammy; you're such a geek; you always say pansy stuff like that…that's my boy.

-:-

"_Right, you're a mind reader. Cut it out Sam. Sam! You think you're being funny but you're being really, really childish. Sam Winchester wears make-up. Sam Winchester _

_cries his way through sex. Sam Winchesters keeps a ruler by the bed and every morning when he wakes up- okay, enough!"_

-:-

Those eyes that held a spark in them always and everywhere were….dead. And staring…and green.

-:-

"_You ever watch daytime TV? It's terrible."  
_

_"I talked to your doctor..."  
_

_"That fabric softener teddy bear... oooh, I'm gonna hunt that little bitch down."_

-O-

"_Man, I think I'm allergic to our soap or somethin'."  
_

_"You did this?"  
_

_"You're a friggin' jerk."  
_

_"Oh yeah!"_

-O-

"_I know what you're thinking Sam. Why did it have to be clowns?"  
_

_"Oh, give me a break."  
_

_"You didn't think I remember, do you? Come on, you still bust out crying when you see Ronald McDonald on the television."_

"_At least I'm not afraid of flying."  
_

_"Planes crash!"  
_

_"And apparently clowns kill." _

-O-

" _Dude, you know something? I put up with a lot from you!"_

" _What are you talking about? I'm a joy to be around."_

" _Yeah, there's dirty socks in the sink, your food in the fridge…"_

"_What's wrong with my food?"_

"_It's not food anymore, Dean, its Darwinism! And you know what, the only thing I ask of you, the one thing, is not to mess with my stuff." _

"_Are you done?"_

"_You know…how would you feel if I screwed up your Impala?"  
_

_"Would be the last thing you'd ever did." _

-:-

His brothers dead weight, dead in his warm hands…getting colder and colder with every tear and every heartbeat. He wanted to rip out his own soul, it would hurt less.

-:-

"_He sure has issues with you. You got to go to college, he had to stay home. I mean I had to stay home. With Dad. You don't think I had dreams of my own? But Dad needed_

_ me. Where the hell were you?" _

-:-

I'm right here, right here. Never leaving again.

-:-

"_College. You'll be able to get out of that house and away from your Dad." _

"_What kind of advice is that? Kids should stick with his family."_

-:-

Never leaving, I'm so sorry, so sorry for leaving.

The smell of Deans blood, the taste of his tears, the low sound of his pain…all swirling in his mouth…the bitter taste of loosing everything that really mattered. Hisbrother, his life, Dean. Loosing it, lying in his arms now, dead. Breathless, without a heart beat. Cold.

-:-

"_Sam, you and dad you're the most important people in my life…" _

-:-

He wanted his brother's voice back, his smiles, his sighs, his smirks, his music…

-:-

"_House rules, Sammy. Driver picks the music. Shotgun shuts his cake hole."_

-:-

His breath, his warmth, his smell, his light snoring, his bad bathroom habits, his bad eating habits…

-:-

"_So, we're eating bacon cheeseburgers for breakfast, are we?"  
_

_"Well, I sold my soul. Got a year to live. I ain't sweating the cholesterol."_

-:-

He wanted home, he wanted his mother, he wanted his father, but most of all he wanted his brother back. Now!

-:-

"_Who was that?"  
_

_"My brother."  
_

_"What'd he say?"  
_

_"Goodbye."_

-:-

No goodbye. No, not yet.

Another tear, another choked breath, another bile inducing taste in his mouth…bitter taste, horrible taste of seeing the only person that ever really mattered laying on the ground, his head in your hands…dead. And this time it's for real. No Trickster this time around. Just simple reality. Nothing else.

"_Dean…"_

-:-

"_Are you okay little brother?"_

-:-

No, no, no I'm not.

He couldn't stop his tears, could stop the choking sounds, couldn't stop the tremors that ran up his body. Couldn't stop…couldn't stop, Dean's dead, thinking, memories flooding his mind, he was cold, Dean was cold, the world was cold(er).

-:-

"_He's the only one that gets to call me that." Sammy_

-:-

Just one more time for Dean to call him Sammy, and he wouldn't argue. Never again. He would soak up the name and find the sanctuary in it. Hide in it.

Sammy! Sammy, Sammy…Sam!

-:-

"_Sam, look... the three of us... that's all we have... it's all I have... sometimes I feel like I'm barely holding it together, man... without you and Dad..."_

-:-

You're all I have too, Dean. We're all we have. And.You're.Dead.

More tears, more pain, more bitterness in his mouth, his hair obscuring his face, leaning on Dean…hiding next to him.

Weak spot, Scabetti O's, Lucky Charms, you want the prize, take care of my baby, I'll haunt your ass, need to be my brother again, thank you Sammy, I, I love it, just startin' to be brothers again, save you, save me… Bits and pieces of memories sliding in and out, swirling in his brain, fading with every raged breath he managed to pull in.

SNSN

"Noooooo!!"

"Somebody help me!!"

"Saaaam!!"

"Saaaaaammm!!"

SNSN

Numb.

**-- **

**The end**


End file.
